I remember growing up with the girls in secondary school then, of course we had big dreams and aspirations. Our hopes were high and nothing could bring us down from fantasy land even if it tried really hard. The human mind is geared towards optimism and positivism at that age, nothing could go wrong with all the plans we had in mind then. Do we blame the teenagers and young adults for believing that reality cannot be as cruel as we make it? I don’t!!
After secondary school, four years in the university and an extra one year for NYSC in this part of the world (Nigeria) I met Halima, my dream partner in school. She was married and had a daughter; she had been married for 5years. Halima had wanted 8 kids when were in school, she had grown up in a large household and that’s what she wanted for herself too.
So, Halima, what happened to the remaining 7? I asked
She said, ‘babes, I am married now, the reality is different, I can’t even cope with this one i have. I am married and just managing myself.
Married and managing? What happened to the dreams and goals we wrote down and swore to uphold come what may?
Our childish dreams and fantasies tend to be lost along the way, we are almost sure that through it or in it, life would always happen one way or the other. A mentor of mine would say, you can’t be married and enduring. You are not in a marriage; you are in a partnership gone wrong.
In relationships and marriages today, the effects our childhood memories and fantasies play are quiet obvious. We believe so hard in the dreams we had as kids that we forget the very constant thing ‘CHANGE’, not Buhari’s change in this context (if you know what I mean). Our relationships and marriages cannot be based on the fantasies we made as kids, our relationships cannot be based simply on the fact that he/she doesn’t fit the box you have built for your status quo .Our relationships will not thrive on the features only but most importantly on in-depth and core values.
Why? Life will always happen.
Life does happen, but you have the opportunity to choose the kind of life that you want. Maybe, just maybe out of the change that is inevitable you could still weave in the fantasies of childhood. But, when life begins to happen other things like purpose, vision, clarity, habits, in laws, finances, sex, medical terms becomes the focus. The paradigm shifts drastically from the features to core values.
I daresay that even as life begin to happen, we should be smart enough to a build long lasting and enjoyable marriage. This would only come through hard work, tenacity and determination. Dreams and fantasies do not have to give way if we make them more realistic and achievable. Would you rather be married and managing or married and living the life? What we perceive of life changes by the second through real life experiences and lessons we hear from many others.
Enjoy your marriage, it might not be the picture you had at 16, but it can be worthwhile. All you got to do is CREATE ANOTHER PICTURE.